Energy Management for Introverts and Extroverts
A brutal, tactical manual for people who’d rather be left alone but still want to win.
What follows is a short excerpt from a chapter on tribe-building from my forthcoming book Ex Nihilo.
Introvert/Extrovert
Introverts and extroverts look the same from the outside.
The common wisdom says that introverts look shy and withdrawn. They are socially anxious and don’t seek social situations. Extroverts are the life of the party and center of attention. They socialize from sun-up until sun-down.
Neither of these perceptions is consistently true!
The only fundamental difference between introverts and extroverts is energy management. If we each have a social battery, extroverts have one that charges as they socialize, while introverts lose charge while socializing.
An example of this in my personal life is my relationship with my friend and colleague Amanda. Amanda has more energy than anyone I’ve met in my life, even giving my feral toddler a run for her money. I am an introvert, and Amanda is, undeniably, an extrovert. When I hang out with her, it hypes me up; her vibe is contagious. As the hours tick away though, Amanda somehow gains more energy as mine dwindles. When we part company, Amanda seems reinvigorated. I need to be alone for a while! The interaction is extremely rewarding to me, but I am neon and she is the electricity.
When someone puts neon into a glass tube, it’s still invisible because the electrons are all in their ground state. Applying electricity makes some electrons become excited and jump to a higher-than-normal orbital. This is an unnatural state for the electrons, so they quickly return to their usual orbital, i.e. their ground state. When they fall back to their ground state, they release light! If you go to your nearest bar, you’ll see this phenomenon occurring with both people and the neon signs on the walls. In my interactions with extroverts, they hype me up, which puts me at a level above my resting state. I glow during these interactions but once the power is cut, I find myself needing to be invisible for a little bit.
Breaking Free from Labels
Understanding the true distinction between introverts and extroverts will help you avoid pigeonholing yourself into a certain way of being. It’s more likely that you’re an introvert than an extrovert if you’re reading this book. Introverts must avoid seeing themselves as shy or unlikely to socialize. Of course, an introvert might have these qualities, but it is not because of their being an introvert. Conversely, extroverts must avoid destining themselves to lives with no solitude or time for deep contemplation.
What introverts and extroverts should be sensitive to, however, is the maintenance of their energy levels. I transgress this rule regularly and always pay for it. People’s jaws drop when I tell them I am an introvert. I love talking to people, cracking jokes, and making small talk. I have a bad habit of forgetting that I am not an extrovert and paying for it with exhaustion.
Here’s what I’ve learned about managing social energy strategically:
Energy Management Strategies for Introverts
Pre-loading: Before big social events, I make sure I’m fully charged. This means limiting social interaction for a day or two beforehand. No optional meetings, no casual coffee chats, no phone calls that aren’t essential.
I learned this the hard way when I used to schedule back-to-back networking events. I’d show up to the second event completely drained and end up making terrible impressions because I was running on fumes. Now I treat my social battery like a phone battery - I don’t let it get to 5% before charging it.
Scheduled recovery: I block time in my calendar after networking events. Not “if I feel like it” time, but actual scheduled recovery time that’s as important as any meeting.
This recovery time isn’t optional. If I don’t take it, I’ll be useless for days afterward. I usually schedule at least as much recovery time as event time. Two-hour networking event = two hours of recovery time afterward.
Quality over quantity: Instead of trying to meet everyone at an event, I focus on having 3-4 meaningful conversations. This is more valuable for building relationships and less draining for my energy.
I used to think I was “failing” at networking if I didn’t talk to at least 10 people at an event. Now I know that one great conversation is worth ten superficial ones. I’d rather have someone remember me clearly than have ten people sort of remember me.
Energy tracking: I pay attention to which types of interactions energize me versus drain me. One-on-one conversations over coffee are energizing. Large group conversations where I have to compete for speaking time are exhausting.
Energy Multiplication for Extroverts
Social scaffolding: Extroverts can use their energy advantage to help introverts in the room. Introduce quiet people to each other, facilitate conversations, break awkward silences.
I’ve watched my extroverted friends do this masterfully. They can sense when someone is feeling left out or uncomfortable and naturally bring them into conversations in ways that feel organic rather than forced.
Serial conversations: Instead of trying to take part in one long group conversation, move between multiple shorter conversations to keep your energy fresh.
Extroverts get energy from variety in social interaction. Staying in one conversation too long can actually drain them because they’re not getting enough social stimulation.
Create social opportunities: Don’t wait for others to organize networking events. Your energy advantage makes you naturally good at bringing people together and us introverts appreciate it!
Many of the best networking opportunities I’ve experienced were informal gatherings organized by extroverted friends who just loved connecting people.